Chapter 3: The Cost of Stepping Aside

The phrase Ma used most often was: "You need to step aside."

When we were young, Thomas wanted to attend tutoring classes that cost two hundred a month. At the time, our family's total monthly income was barely over eight hundred. When I asked to go as well, Ma told me, "You need to step aside. Your brother is a boy, and he'll have to support a family one day."

So, I stepped aside.

Later, Chloe wanted to take piano lessons at eighty dollars a session. Once again, I was told, "You need to step aside. Your sister has poor health, and learning the piano will help build her character."

I stepped aside again.

When Thomas went off to college, the family covered everything from his tuition to his living expenses. The summer after I took my SATs, Ma sat me down. "Your dad is in poor health, and we just can't afford to put two kids through college," she said. "Your grades are only average anyway. You might as well go to a trade school so you can start making money early."

I had scored a 528 on my SATs. Thomas had scored a 491.

I didn't say a word; I just packed up and went to trade school.

After graduating, I took a job as a cashier at a small company. I worked full-time during the day and studied at night, eventually earning my junior and intermediate accounting certificates before passing the CPA exam. The entire process took me six years, and I funded every bit of it myself. The family never contributed a single cent.

When Chloe went to college, the family not only covered her tuition but also sent her three thousand a month for living expenses. I remember hearing Ma explain it to our relatives on the phone: "Chloe is going to school in Chicago, and the cost of living is so high there. There's really no other way. As her mother, how could I not make sure she's taken care of?"

I listened from the next room and kept my mouth shut.

As the years went on, the financial disparity only grew wider. When Thomas got married, the family gave him eighty thousand dollars for the bride price, and that didn't even include the cost of the wedding banquet.

When it was my turn to get married, Ma gave me two thousand dollars. She handed it to me in a cash envelope the day before the wedding.

"You know how things are with the family right now," she told me. "Your brother just got married and that cost a lot. You make your own money, so don't be petty about this."

I took the envelope and simply said, "Okay."

At my wedding, Ma sat in the audience without shedding a single tear or showing any reluctance to see me go. Yet on the day Chloe got married, Ma started crying the moment she walked out the door.

And how much did the family contribute to Chloe's wedding? Two hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Plus a dowry of one hundred and twenty thousand. And a new car on top of that.

For me, it was just two thousand. We were born to the exact same mother.

When Thomas was ready to buy a house, the down payment was three hundred thousand dollars, and the family paid the entire amount. Ma's reasoning was familiar: "Your brother needs to buy a house, so you need to step aside."

When I bought my own home, I didn't ask the family for a dime. It wasn't because I didn't want their help, but because I knew asking would be completely useless. My husband and I saved for four grueling years just to scrape together our down payment. Our monthly mortgage was forty-three hundred dollars, and my take-home pay was just over seven thousand a month. After paying the mortgage, every remaining penny had to be budgeted with absolute precision.

Despite all of this, I still transferred a thousand dollars to my family every single month. This habit started during my very first year in the workforce, and I kept it up for fifteen years. One thousand dollars, twelve months a year, for fifteen years—that's one hundred and eighty thousand dollars.

And that was just the fixed monthly amount. During the holidays, I always provided extra cash gifts, presents, clothes for my parents, health supplements, and Christmas groceries. When Thomas's son, Leo, started school, I covered his tuition fees. When Chloe got her driver's license, I paid for the entire process. And when Dad was hospitalized—well, I'll get to that part soon enough.

I never kept a running total of all the money I had given them over the years. My dad kept track of it for me, though.

But that all came to light later.